Found Goddesses
By Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D.

As anyone who has read the Vedas, the Bible, the Quran, or the Book of Mormon, or the words of the Buddha, Mary Baker Eddy, or James Redfield well knows, there's not a lot of humor in religious or spiritual writing. It's all Highly Serious. But the Charge of the Goddess tells us, "All acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be…mirth and reverence within you." We've found the love and we've found the reverence. I think it's time to find the pleasure and the mirth. It's time to lighten up. It's time to play with our goddesses (and a few gods).

Of course, we who live in these postmodern times still honor the ancient pantheons. The traditional goddesses are important to us-we pray to Hestia for a peaceful home, to Athena for success at the office, to Aphrodite for love. But who among the old pantheons can help us when our computer crashes? Who will help us decide what to take to a potluck? Help us find proper healthcare? Drive safely in heavy city traffic or on the freeway? 

In 1988, Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope, a Witch and a linguist living "in extreme circumstances" in Nebraska came to understand that the "underlying principles of language and magic are transformational." Faced with the realities of the modern world, they invented new Goddesses and wrote a book called Found Goddesses: Asphalta to Viscera; the book is, sadly, out of print. At the turn of the millennium, inspired by Grey and Penelope, I started Finding my own goddesses and in 2003 wrote Finding New Goddesses: Reclaiming Playfulness in Our Spiritual Lives; my book is also out of print but still (hooray!) available on Amazon.com. From Acme, Goddess of High Tech, to Zombonie, Goddess of Taxes, the book is a romp through the alphabet and a parody of all those books that describe all those Serious Old Goddesses. Finding New Goddesses is not to be taken seriously! 

Although most of the goddesses described in this column will be taken from Finding New Goddesses, I suspect that I may also Find newer goddesses. One thing we all need, of course is a Good Hair Cut. You know what they say-we'll follow our trustworthy mechanic and our hair stylist to the ends of the earth.

Scissorella
Goddess of the Good Hair Cut

Everyone knows there are a few immutable truths. One is that when you've found a good mechanic or a good hair stylist, you follow them to the ends of the earth. There are few things in life worse than a Bad Hair Day, and few blessings more welcome than a Really Good Hair Cut.

The Story of Scissorella is familiar to every child. 

Once there was a young girl whose mother had died, leaving her only a pair of silver scissors and a hand mirror. The girl's father, unable to cope with widowhood, remarried embarrassingly soon. The girl, whose name was Ella, begged her father to let her leave the blended household and attend the College of Cosmetology, where she would learn both hair care and astrology, but her father refused. His new wife, Ella's stepmother, was a professional beautician, and so with her husband's money, she opened a new salon in a previously empty room in the house, where she put Ella to work shampooing, sweeping, and sharpening scissors. It was thus that Ella earned the name Scissorella.

The girl tried her best to learn to cut hair by observing her stepmother, but her two stepsisters invariably interfered, putting her to work alphabetizing the tints, stacking the bottles of nail polish in the window, and rearranging the display of glycerin soap. With no proper instruction, therefore, every cut that Ella essayed (after hours, to be sure) was perfectly dreadful. People tried to be nice about it, but Ella knew they whispered behind her back, saying, "This is the unkindest cut of all."

Ella cried and cried. Then she wised up and began to pray for professional assistance. Eventually her prayers were answered. Shortly after lunch one day, dressed in an absolutely fabulous outfit of matching midnight blue satin pants and tunic, the Hair-Cut Fairy suddenly appeared as if out of nowhere. "Darling!" he announced, "I am the answer to your prayers! I am also here," he continued, "to give you a makeover, for I cannot help but notice your puffy eyes and red, rough hands." He gestured with his magic scissors. "And, honey, I must say you need it. Split ends-omigoddess, a true disaster. What shampoo are you using? And wherever did you get that hideous color? It simply does not go with your skintone. Hmmmm, I see we obviously need to do some magic with a new shade of blush."

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Hair-Cut Fairy," Ella said. "They're so cruel here, you know. They keep me so busy shampooing, sweeping, and sharpening that I never get to do anything for myself."

"Well, that's for sure," he said. "Girlfriend, you just sit down and let me get started. Have you ever in your life had a decent perm?"

"No. Never. Uh, Mr. Hair-Cut Fairy, do you know what I really want?"

"So what do you think I am? A mind-reader? Ha-ha! Well, darling, I am a mind-reader. What you need is a decent cut. What you want is to learn to do a decent cut. Darling, I am here to do and to teach, what do you think about that? I'll teach you so much you'll earn every blue ribbon at the next Styling Rave."

And that is exactly what happened. The Hair-Cut Fairy gave Ella a cut so gorgeous that every man in the kingdom fell in love with her. Then he taught her everything he knew, which was quite a lot. She soon left home and went into business with the Hair-Cut Fairy and they opened a salon on the hill next to the royal palace. The first time the prince came in for a trim, he too fell madly and totally in love with her and immediately proposed marriage. Perfectly content in her Platonic relationship with the Hair-Cut Fairy, however, and enjoying her success and independence, Ella turned the prince down (though she did go out with him from time to time). She lived happily ever after, during which time people came to her from far and near to get the best cuts and perms and manicures in the world.


Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is the author of Pagan Every Day: Finding the Extraordinary in Our Ordinary Lives (RedWheel/Weiser, 2006), a unique daybook of daily meditations, stories, and activities. Her earlier books are Finding New Goddesses, Quicksilver Moon, Goddess Meditations, and Practicing the Presence of the Goddess. Her day job is freelance editing for people who don't want to embarrass themselves in print. Barbara lives in southern California. To purchase a signed copy of Finding New Goddesses, just send Barbara an email at bawriting@earthlink.net.