Found Goddesses
By Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D.

As anyone who has read the Vedas, the Bible, the Quran, or the Book of Mormon, or the words of the Buddha, Mary Baker Eddy, or James Redfield well knows, there's not a lot of humor in religious or spiritual writing. It's all Highly Serious. But the Charge of the Goddess tells us, "All acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be…mirth and reverence within you." We've found the love and we've found the reverence. I think it's time to find the pleasure and the mirth. It's time to lighten up. It's time to play with our goddesses (and a few gods).

Of course, we who live in these postmodern times still honor the ancient pantheons. The traditional goddesses are important to us-we pray to Hestia for a peaceful home, to Athena for success at the office, to Aphrodite for love. But who among the old pantheons can help us when our computer crashes? Who will help us decide what to take to a potluck? Help us find proper healthcare? Drive safely in heavy city traffic or on the freeway? 

In 1988, Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope, a Witch and a linguist living "in extreme circumstances" in Nebraska came to understand that the "underlying principles of language and magic are transformational." Faced with the realities of the modern world, they invented new Goddesses and wrote a book called Found Goddesses: Asphalta to Viscera; the book is, sadly, out of print. At the turn of the millennium, inspired by Grey and Penelope, I started Finding my own goddesses and in 2003 wrote Finding New Goddesses: Reclaiming Playfulness in Our Spiritual Lives; my book is also out of print but still (hooray!) available on Amazon.com. From Acme, Goddess of High Tech, to Zombonie, Goddess of Taxes, the book is a romp through the alphabet and a parody of all those books that describe all those Serious Old Goddesses. Finding New Goddesses is not to be taken seriously! 

Although most of the goddesses described in this column will be taken from Finding New Goddesses, I suspect that I may also Find newer goddesses.

The Found Goddesses of Ecstasy are two of our best beloved Goddesses.

Chocolata is such a Delicious Dish that we who adore Her feel impelled to Sample Her Wares and Taste Her Piquant Flavor every day of our lives. We are honored to call ourselves Choco-Holy-Ones ("Chocoholics," for short), and our fulsome delight is to gather for worship in Her Temple on the Square of Ghirardelli, where we are led by Her high priestess and stripteuse, Godiva, and her high priest, Hershey the Magnificent, in ecstatic worship at the luscious Altar of the Holy Family. 

Chocolata's Consort, Mr. Goodbar, is hard and nutty and much more satisfying than any old daily bread. Their Son, the winged Endorphineus, is a plump young Lad Who visits us by night, arousing us with visions of His Parents and bestowing His precious Kisses on us in exchange for our teeth. When He's feeling wicked, He chases the Brownies and plays games of M&M

Let us invoke Chocolata every time we unwrap one of Her Sacred Bars: 
Hail, Chocolata, o sweet and soft and gooey,
When I taste Your charms, my heart just goes bazooey.

Vibrata presents Herself to the world in uncountable aspects, for everything we can know or imagine exists in a state of vibration. We always feel Her presence and can almost always see the trails of Her dancing. Vibrata's unending work is to keep the universe in motion, for without Her magic-fingered touch it might fall into entropy. Her bliss is thus not ending but ever-coming.

Many years ago, Vibrata established Her Sacred Dance Academies. The longest-lived branch specializes in Belly Dance, in whose practitioners we may witness vibration we never thought possible. Newer branches include Tap and Go-Go, and wondrous to behold are performances by Her spirited champions. Honored associates in the Academies are Her musicians, who also find their life and being in Her many rhythms. The more scholarly of Her worshipers also know the seminal work of Her eldest priest, Pythagoras

Like Her Sister, Vibrata ecstatically promotes both the old-time religion and those good old night-time family values. Many of us are intimately acquainted with Her Consort, Mr. Buzz-All-Night, a proud and virile caballero who never fails to stand up for Himself. Fewer of us, alas, know Her daughter, Wavicle, an elusive young maiden Who leaps with joyful abandon through the quantum gardens

When we set out to worship Vibrata and Her Consort, we must approach the Bower of Bliss, a sheltered garden known to all who adore beauty and crave ecstasy. The Bower of Bliss, which was famously described during the reign of England's Virgin Queen, is "sweet and pleasing unto living sense." It is surrounded by bushes, and its "goodly gate," which is "wrought of substance light, rather for pleasure then for battery or fight," is ever open to all. Whatever our "daintiest fantasy may gratify," we may find it in the Bower of Bliss in the company of Vibrata and Mr. Buzz-All-Night. Use the following words to call out to this proactive Goddess:

Sweet Vibrata, buzzing tender debauchee,
I pray You, wild and gentle be with me.

Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is the author of Pagan Every Day: Finding the Extraordinary in Our Ordinary Lives (RedWheel/Weiser, 2006), a unique daybook of daily meditations, stories, and activities. Her earlier books are Finding New Goddesses, Quicksilver Moon, Goddess Meditations, and Practicing the Presence of the Goddess. Her day job is freelance editing for people who don't want to embarrass themselves in print. Barbara lives in southern California. To purchase a signed copy of Finding New Goddesses, just send Barbara an email at bawriting@earthlink.net.