Found Goddesses
By Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D.

As anyone who has read the Vedas, the Bible, the Quran, or the Book of Mormon, or the words of the Buddha, Mary Baker Eddy, or James Redfield well knows, there's not a lot of humor in religious or spiritual writing. It's all Highly Serious. But the Charge of the Goddess tells us, "All acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there be…mirth and reverence within you." We've found the love and we've found the reverence. I think it's time to find the pleasure and the mirth. It's time to lighten up. It's time to play with our goddesses (and a few gods).

Of course, we who live in these postmodern times still honor the ancient pantheons. The traditional goddesses are important to us-we pray to Hestia for a peaceful home, to Athena for success at the office, to Aphrodite for love. But who among the old pantheons can help us when our computer crashes? Who will help us decide what to take to a potluck? Help us find proper healthcare? Drive safely in heavy city traffic or on the freeway? 

In 1988, Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope, a Witch and a linguist living "in extreme circumstances" in Nebraska came to understand that the "underlying principles of language and magic are transformational." Faced with the realities of the modern world, they invented new Goddesses and wrote a book called Found Goddesses: Asphalta to Viscera; the book is, sadly, out of print. At the turn of the millennium, inspired by Grey and Penelope, I started Finding my own goddesses and in 2003 wrote Finding New Goddesses: Reclaiming Playfulness in Our Spiritual Lives; my book is also out of print but still (hooray!) available on Amazon.com. From Acme, Goddess of High Tech, to Zombonie, Goddess of Taxes, the book is a romp through the alphabet and a parody of all those books that describe all those Serious Old Goddesses. Finding New Goddesses is not to be taken seriously! 

Although most of the goddesses described in this column will be taken from Finding New Goddesses, I suspect that I may also Find newer goddesses. The following interview was Found in a trunk in the attic of an obscure mathematician. The trunk, which was left on the doorstep of the present Editor by a Mysterious Stranger, contains a number of poems written in an outlandish language which the present Editor is determined to translate and publish in multiple volumes (just like some of our favorite mystery writers).

Mimsy Borogove

The Muse of Attitude

FNG. Ms. Borogove, you say you're a Muse. Why aren't you a Goddess like the rest of the Ladies in this book?

Mimsy Borogove. That is Miss Borogove to you. I don't hold with those modern honorifics.
FNG. So sorry.

Mimsy Borogove. Quite right. I am a Goddess. I am a specialized Goddess. I am made of finer stuff than your every-day deities and I am Privy to the Secrets of the Universe. I know, for example, how slithy the toves actually were, and I saw what the momeraths were doing. No, no, no, don't ask. Outgrabing does not make a pretty picture. And when a night becomes brillig, well, let's just say that it's best to remain indoors with the curtains firmly shut. Many Goddesses are prosaic, donchew know, whilst I am prosodic. I know The Rules.
FNG. What are you the Muse of?

Mimsy Borogove. I rule All The Finer Things In Modern Life. Disco. Limericks. Thick romance novels and made-for-TV movies that run on and on and on. Laugh-In and daytime drama. Astrology. Christian pop rock. Why, you must know that I inspire the lot of them! And, let me modestly admit (though I never like to brag), it is I that was invoked of old by the likes of Virgil and John Milton. Well, let me think a moment. Ah, yes. Here it is.

Of man's first disobedience, and the fruit of that forbidden tree, 
sing o heavenly muse of arms and the man.
Let us sing a somewhat loftier strain and regain the blissful seat,
of goodness so wondrous, sing o Queen of Heaven, o heavenly muse . . . . 
I rather like that "heavenly muse" part, don't you?

FNG. Er . . . yes. You have an impressive track record. What can you tell us of your history?
Mimsy Borogove. Well, I no longer remember my mother's name, though She was terribly big and important. I strongly suspect that my father was William F'Buckley. Very attitudinal gentleman, donchew know, and his vocabulary, well, certainly A Notch Above. One has heard, of course, of My nine sisters. They got the famous assignments-tragedy, comedy, the poetries, astronomy, dance. Whatever. I would have done, but Mum was saving me for The Better Things. And here I am now, donchew know, A Modern Muse For The Modern World! Isn't it Unfortunate that one no longer hears from one's trashy sisters? Oh, they have those tacky marble statues, and Clio got that award named after her (advertising, what kind of honor is that, I ask you), but I've got the Genuine Pizzazz.

FNG. Er, yes. I've heard that the word "museum" comes from "muse." Can you comment on that?

Mimsy Borogove. I can tell you that musea-that's the proper plural of museum, you realize-that musea preserve the culture of the age. Of all ages. And what is the most enculturated part of a museum? It's the gift shop. We Muses always keep Our Priorities (and Our Gifts) Quite Firmly In Hand.

FNG. What projects are you currently working on?

Mimsy Borogove. Oh, I've quite moved away from the visual arts. These days, I'm looking over e-publishing. Quite the coming thing, what? One seems to have a great deal of time on one's hands, and e-publishing gives one an entire new generation to hover over. F'Buckley alone knows whom one might inspire!

FNG. Mimsy Borogove, star of stage, screen, and several rather fascinating inner worlds, thank you for your time.

Mimsy Borogove. Delighted, I'm sure.

Mimsy has confused and conflated Paradise Lost, the Aeneid, and Virgil's Eclogues. These three works contain invocations to the Muse, to be sure, but we can be certain that Mimsy was not the Muse who inspired Milton and Virgil!


Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is the author of Pagan Every Day: Finding the Extraordinary in Our Ordinary Lives (RedWheel/Weiser, 2006), a unique daybook of daily meditations, stories, and activities. Her earlier books are Finding New Goddesses, Quicksilver Moon, Goddess Meditations, and Practicing the Presence of the Goddess. Her day job is freelance editing for people who don't want to embarrass themselves in print. Barbara lives in southern California. To purchase a signed copy of Finding New Goddesses, just send Barbara an email at bawriting@earthlink.net.